Victims and Villains
Hello.
In this blog I’m talking about conflict - about fighting & falling out - those moments when you and your partner (or friend, or family member) can't seem to get on the same page no matter how hard you try. If you've ever found yourself shouting when you meant to explain, sulking when you wanted to talk, or having the same fight over and over again about seemingly trivial things, this one's for you.
The Shout and the Sulk
We have so many ways of showing displeasure, anger, or hurt. Sometimes we feel so overcome with frustration that it bursts out of us and we shout. It's deeply unpleasant to be around and often brings the absolute opposite of what we want - to be heard, to be understood, to be shown empathy. When we're aggressive and shout, we alienate the very people we want to persuade.
Some of us cry when we're really, really angry and wanting to say "this is outrageous, I can't believe you spoke to me like that" but finding ourselves in tears instead. It's hugely frustrating. You're not showing up for the fight in a way that serves you.
Then there's withdrawal. We don't like fighting, so we hide from it. "Least said, soonest mended," we tell ourselves. Maybe it works in the short term, but in the long term it's the road to hell. Withdrawing has lots of faces – it can look like sulking, physically removing ourselves, stonewalling, passive rebellion, slamming kitchen doors or the classic "I'm fine" dance. Swallowing down our upset forces it to find other ways to express itself – we can get sick, physically or mentally.
Conflict Isn't the Enemy
This is something it’s crucial that you get your head around: the idea that conflict is bad, that if things are going well we won't fight. This is a prejudice we need to address. Differences of opinion aren't the road to ruin, they're part of all relationships. Not just intimate relationships but professional ones, familial ones, friendships. We're never going to agree on everything.
The question is: how can we learn to have conversations, even verbal battles, when we see things differently, in a way that allows all our points of view to be valid, worthy, and worth listening to?
And here's something else that might not have occurred to you: on a biological level, similar things happen in our bodies when we get into conflict as when we move into sexual arousal. Our heart rate speeds up, our sensations become more heightened, we become more present. The risk of being a couple who avoid conflict is that you can also shut down the capacity to be sexually intimate. You find other things shut down that you didn't want to shut down by closing the door on your willingness to fight.
What Are You Really Fighting About?
I see this again and again: couples arrive completely exasperated because for years they never fought. "We just got on, we always agreed, everything was wonderful. And now we're fighting all the time."
What I find is that most of the time they're not fighting about the problem. They're fighting about the bins, the washing up, who's cooking, "you looked at me funny," "why did you leave your shoes there?" These are the battlegrounds, but they're not the heart of the difficulty.
Let me show you the anatomy of a conflict:
Arguments around the dishwasher or the bins.
Behind that, the anxiety: What does it mean if I lose this conflict? What am I really fighting for? It may be about fairness, feeling taken for granted, being invisible, not appreciated. "You've left it for me again to load the dishwasher" becomes "you don't want to pull your weight, you think I'll do it, you see me as the housekeeper, you don't value me."
Suddenly we're in very personal territory: "I don't think you love me enough. I don't think you value me enough." That makes us afraid or angry.
The deepest layer, the hidden fear: This is generally about personal feelings about self. If you feel insecure and there are echoes from childhood around rejection or not being valued in your family what emerges is fear: "Am I lovable? Is anyone ever going to value me? This is happening again."
At supersonic speed, we look at a pile of dishes and we're that frightened, vulnerable child again, feeling unloved. Often those are the feelings being expressed in the conflict but not the ones being acknowledged.
Making the Unconscious Conscious
Your job, whether you're in therapy or just reading this, is to get to know what your programming is. What software was uploaded in your internal system that plays out when you're in conflict?
Can you imagine recognising: "Oh gosh, I'm feeling five now. I'm not five, I'm fifty five but I'm feeling five, I need to attend to that". Instead of putting it on our partners can we start seeing it as our own job to see we're scared or hurting or need a cuddle and to take that responsibility for ourselves?
The Drama Triangle
There's a technique thousands of counsellors use when talking about conflict: the Drama Triangle. At one point, we have the victim. At the second, the persecutor (or villain). At the third, the rescuer.
This dynamic plays out everywhere: families, friendships, the workplace, the playground, in neighbourhoods.
If there's a conflict, one or both partners feel victimised. "That wasn't fair, that's unjustified." They place themselves in the victim position. Therefore, the other person becomes the villain, the persecutor. We want them to apologise, make it better, see things from our position.
But often the other person thinks "No, I'm the injured party. You're the one who's done wrong. I want you to rescue me." So, they sulk.
We out-victim each other until somebody wins, when actually all we want is to be understood.
If that rescuing doesn't come from our partner, we go looking for it elsewhere – we find someone to justify our position.
The way out: Step into your adult self.
- Instead of being a victim, be vulnerable
- Instead of being a persecutor or villain, be assertive (it's okay to state your point and say "I don't think that's okay")
- Instead of being a rescuer, be a helper ("That sounds difficult, is there anything I can do to help?")
We all inhabit every corner of this triangle at different times. We can slide around it, especially between rescuer and persecutor: "Let me help, how can I help?" then "Oh, you're always doing that, you drive me mad!" then back to "Let me help!"
The Pause Button
Something I find to be enormously valuable is to have an agreement beforehand that next time we start falling into this behaviour we’re going to put in a pause. All it requires is for one of you to notice "this is getting out of hand, this is turning into something we don't want."
Some people use "time out / time in." Some of my clients come up with a code word: eg broccoli or cauliflower. If one of you says the word or time out you stop the interaction. Immediately.
This isn’t to get out of the conversation, but to create space for self-reflection: Do I want to be having this fight? Am I saying what I really want to be saying? Is this really what's important right now?
In the pause, you can then ask yourself: What do I need to do to be fit for purpose again, to be able to continue this conversation as the self-respecting adult I am?
How can I have the fight I want to have, rather than the fight I got into because of old patterns?
You then re-engage with each other……
Rupture and Repair
You do need to be willing to risk rupture, to risk that one of you might feel bruised, that feelings might be hurt when you share how it is for you.
But rupture doesn't have to equal catastrophe, the end of the world, relationship over, dead in the water. After rupture can come repair. And the repair process can be therapeutic, healing and deepening of the partnership.
It's not okay to have the same fight again and again. It's really important we learn from them, learn new ways of being with these squeeze points when they happen.
Start With Self-Care
When I work with couples who have lots of problems with conflict, the first place I go is understanding levels of self-care. How well do you look after yourselves?
It's amazing how often people see self-care as a luxury, an indulgence, rather than an absolutely essential activity. Creating capacity in yourself is wrongly perceived as being selfish. The relationship needs you to claim this time – be selfish for the team! I don’t believe it is selfish in anyway but if you can’t shift your thinking then claim that statement. It might look like having an extra long soak in the bath once a week, reading your book, going for that run, doing your crafting: there is no one size fits all. You know what you really enjoy, what nourishes you and makes you life fit, match fit, game fit.
Once there's a proper level of self-care in the mix, you're much more able to deal with family and relationship difficulties.
This is especially true during squeeze moments in a lifespan such as when couples start a family. The children become the focus, and self-care seems impossible. But this can be where the couple comes together as a team: "You get to the gym Thursday, I'll do bedtime. You get to yoga Monday, I'll handle it." Together you're getting your own needs met and helping each other do it.
The Ten Minute Exercise
This is a practical tool Janet talks about in the podcast that you can try at home. Even though she calls it the ten minute exercise, it takes about half an hour total.
Find a space where tech is off and you won't be interrupted—could be a walk in the park or sitting at home.
How it works:
Each person gets ten minutes to talk, uninterrupted. It doesn't matter who goes first, because the second person's ten minutes is not a response to the first—that's key.
First person's ten minutes: Talk about how you experience this relationship. Not just bad things, but things you appreciate too. If it's about the dishwasher, talk about why it upsets you and what it means: "It's unfair, I feel taken for granted. When this happens, this is what I read into it."
Use vulnerable language, not accusatory: Not "you always do this, you never do that, you take me for granted." Instead: "When you leave it for me, I fear you don't really notice me or value me. It frightens me. What does that mean?"
The listener's job: Active, respectful, curious listening. If possible make eye contact. Don’t roll your eyes, or tut or sigh, don’t check your phone. You may violently disagree, but that’s not relevant. Your task is just to listen and not interrupt.
When ten minutes are up, stop. Have a break.
Second person's ten minutes: This is not a response. Don't pick up what the first person said and argue with it. Talk about how you experience this relationship. You might say "I didn't realise the dishwasher was such a big deal" and then explore what's going on for you.
When the second ten minutes are up, separate. Spend an hour or two away from each other. This prevents spiralling into an argument. You've both said what you needed, you've both listened. Now process it. If you've got more to say, do it the following day.
This isn't a rush to resolution. It's about talking and listening. And it works. It allows you to get to know more about each other.
Something To Ponder
How old do you feel in conflicts? We flip so automatically into our wounded child selves. Next time you're in a disagreement, pause and ask: How old do I feel right now? What does that tell me about what's really happening for me?
Consider: What's your default pattern? Shout? Sulk? Withdraw? Cry? Where might that have come from? And is it getting you what you actually want?
The Takeaway
There is no right or wrong in conflict. No winner or loser. Everybody can come out as losers if we're not careful. But there's a way both perspectives can have value and be heard if there's willingness to recognise that from the get go.
Conflict is impossible to avoid. It needs to happen because we're different people. The best way forward is to find a way to do conflict well, where differences are understood and appreciated. Find a better way than the old bad habits, so it ends up win-win instead of lose-lose.
Relationships take time. They need time for us to get to know each other now, because who I was last week, yesterday, isn't who I am this week, today. As humans, we're constantly evolving, being affected by our lives and experiences. If we want to stay in long-term relationships, we need to stay interested in who our partner is becoming.
You're worth fighting well for. Your relationship is worth it too.
Clare