Losing It

Hello and welcome.  In this blog I’m talking about something that can feel absolutely terrifying when it happens: erectile difficulties. Whether your erections have become unreliable, inconsistent, or have disappeared altogether, before I start I want you to know that you're not alone, and more importantly, this is often entirely treatable.

When Your Body Stops Playing Along

Here's what tends to happen: you lose your erection once, maybe twice. Perhaps you'd had too much to drink, or you were exhausted after a difficult week. But instead of brushing it off, that little voice in your head starts up. "What if it happens again?" And then, of course, it does—because now you're anxious about it. Sex stops being about pleasure and connection and becomes a performance you're terrified of failing. Your partner starts taking it personally, wondering if you've gone off them. Before you know it, you're both stuck in a cycle of avoidance, reassurance-seeking, and mounting anxiety.

Sound familiar?

The thing is, your partner isn't the problem. In fact, once they understand what's actually going on, they can play a considerable role in being part of the solution. That shift from feeling powerless to recognising their power in this situation can really change things.

First Things First: Rule Out the Physical

If you're experiencing erectile difficulties, the first thing you should do is book an appointment with your Doctor. I know it's embarrassing. But sometimes erectile issues are your body's way of waving a red flag about an underlying health condition. Things like diabetes, vascular disease, sleep apnoea, or even prostate issues can first show up as erection problems. These conditions are often quite manageable when caught early, but if you ignore them, they become much more serious.

Your Doctor will also want to know about your lifestyle. How much alcohol are you drinking? Are you taking any recreational drugs? Have you put on weight recently? Are you on any medications? All of these can affect erectile function. Being overweight, for instance, lowers testosterone levels, which in turn affects erections. If you go for a testosterone test, aim to have it done before 10am as that's when you'll get the most accurate result.

If you're still getting morning erections or erections after sleep, that suggests your testosterone levels might be okay. But please, still get them checked.

The Psychological Side of Things

Once you've ruled out physical causes (or addressed them), we can look at what might be happening psychologically. Stress and anxiety are probably the most common culprits we see. If you're working too many hours, going through grief, dealing with redundancy, or navigating relationship difficulties, why on earth would you expect your penis to be okay when the rest of you really isn't?

If losing your erection becomes "a thing", if you start catastrophising about it, if sex becomes something to get through rather than enjoy, then the anxiety itself becomes the main problem. That devilish little voice in your head saying "don't lose your erection" pretty much guarantees you will.

I've worked with men in very solid, loving relationships who, when we drill down into their anxious thoughts, eventually land on: "If I lose my erection all the time, they will leave me." When I ask if that's rational, they usually admit it probably isn't. But in the moment, it's very easy to spiral.

What You Can Do About It

There are loads of practical options available, from the medical to the self-help variety. Viagra-type drugs (Viagra, Cialis, Levitra) are easily available now, but please check with your Doctor before taking them, especially if you have any blood conditions or take medications containing nitrates. These drugs work by widening blood vessels and helping blood flow to the penis. The only time they don't work is if you genuinely have no desire for the person you're with.  They can't manufacture desire that isn't there.

Other options include vacuum pumps (available from around £100 on health and wellbeing sites), penile implants, or even something as simple and low-tech as a penis ring. Penis rings can help keep blood in place once you've achieved an erection, and they can also be a cheeky non-verbal invitation to your partner when put out on the bedside table.

Something you can start doing right now, at no cost, is Kegel exercises. Pelvic floor exercises aren't just for women after childbirth. Strengthening your pelvic floor will help you sustain stronger erections for longer. Stand naked in front of a mirror and suck up the muscles in your pelvic floor, you'll see your penis rise and drop. That's you switching those muscles on and off. Do banks of 10 or 20 a few times a day, and you'll notice a difference. You can do them on the bus, in a meeting, anywhere. Nobody knows but you.

The Lifestyle Piece

If you've become sedentary, if you're drinking every day, if your lifestyle has gradually become unhealthy without you really noticing now’s the time to pay attention. This isn't about beating yourself up. It's about recognising that your body needs looking after, and these erectile difficulties might just be the wake-up call you needed.

Losing weight (if you need to), cutting back on alcohol, moving your body more—these things will help increase your testosterone levels, which will help your erections. But please, don't approach this as another stick to beat yourself with. Approach it with curiosity and self-compassion.

A Word About Porn

We're going to do a whole episode on porn use eventually, but it's worth mentioning here: if you've developed a habit of frequent porn use, your body can become accustomed to that level of stimulation. The particular way you grip your penis when masturbating, sometimes called the "death grip", can be very different to the sensation of partnered sex. You're training your body to respond to something that another person just can't replicate. If this sounds familiar, it's about reprogramming your mind and your body and changing how you become aroused.

Learning to Let Go

One of the techniques I use with clients is called "wax and wane." It sounds counterintuitive but bear with me. 

When you're alone, stimulate yourself until you reach maybe a 3 or 4 out of 10 in terms of arousal. Then let it go. Let your erection subside. Then stimulate yourself again, this time to maybe a 6 or 7 out of 10. Then let it go again. On the third time, you can go to orgasm.

I suspect you're thinking: "I've spent all this time trying to get it and keep it—why would I let it go?!" But that's exactly the point. Once you see that your erection can come, can go, and can come back again, that panic of "I've got an erection, I must use it NOW" starts to ease. You begin to trust your body again.

Do this exercise alone first, so you can build confidence that this actually works. Yes, it takes longer than quickly knocking one out in the shower. But, if you want to turn this around, you need to invest time in yourself and in your relationship with your penis.

When You're With a Partner

If you're working on this with a partner, one of the first things a therapist might suggest is a temporary intercourse ban. I know it sounds mad but the point is to take all the pressure away. It allows you both to not care if you get an erection or not, because you're not allowed to do anything with it anyway. This frees you both up to reconnect physically.  To be naked together, to touch, to explore without the spectre of "will this lead to penetrative sex?" hanging over you.

It can be really helpful to remember that sex isn't only about intercourse. There are loads of other things you can do that bring pleasure and orgasm. What's your Plan B? What's your Plan C? If your partner enjoys oral sex, become really good at that. Take the focus off your penis entirely, and you might find your erections come back. 

Your Thoughts Matter More Than You Think

Your body is not your mind, but your body is absolutely impacted by your mind. We all have over 73,000 thoughts a day, and most of them are running under the surface without us noticing. If yours are scaring you with catastrophic predictions such as "if I don't get hard now, then…". get yourself a notebook and start logging what your mind is telling you.

Verify whether these thoughts are true. Chances are, they're not. You might discover you're telling yourself "I'm a failure" or "I'm not a real man" when actually, you're so much more than your penis. Write down who you really are. Challenge those putdown thoughts with more accurate ones. Start having a conscious relationship with your thoughts, your body, and your intimate world.

One More Thing

If you're going through relationship distress, or if you've recently come out of a divorce, don't expect your penis to jump to attention just because you want it to. Coming through a difficult marriage ending takes time. There's grief work to be done. Your body knows this, even if your conscious mind is impatient to move on.

Be kind to yourself. This is happening to you, but it doesn't define you. Get curious, get support, and remember that this is almost always a fixable situation—whatever the cause.

Until next time, look after yourself.

Clare

If any of this has resonated with you, I’d love to hear about it. And if you haven't listened to Janet and I chatting through all of this in more detail you’ll find the podcast at: thesexandrelationshipspodcast.com.