The Big O... Oh No!
Hello!
The Big O – otherwise known as the female orgasm; that mythologised, misunderstood, often elusive experience that's caused more anxiety and performance pressure than perhaps any other aspect of sexuality. If you've ever felt broken, inadequate, or "less than" because orgasms don't happen the way you think they should, please know you're not alone.
What Is an Orgasm, Really?
An orgasm is basically a release, often a sudden release, of sexual tension. That's it. No more complicated than that.
It may be conscious, it may not be. Sometimes orgasms happen during sleep, during exercise, riding a bike, even giving birth. Sometimes they're enjoyable, sometimes annoying, sometimes embarrassing. In this piece I’m talking about orgasm during sexual behaviour because that's where most of the distress and confusion lives.
Orgasms don't like being chased. If you set out with the goal of "I'm now going to have an orgasm," you'll likely end up frustrated. It can really help if you re-frame orgasms as a bonus rather than a destination. They happen when you're looking the other way, when you've ‘switched off’ your mind and allowed yourself to become absorbed in the sensations and pleasure happening in your body.
The Problem: Measuring Against the Wrong Standard
Female orgasm has traditionally been measured against male climax, which has a clear evolutionary and biological function, releasing sperm for conception. Female orgasm has been wrongly considered as "just the same, but in a woman." And of course, it's nothing like that. Women work very differently to men on all kinds of levels, especially sexually.
The cultural narrative tells us there's a normal way, a right way, a proper way to have orgasms. When your experience doesn't match that picture, you're left thinking "what's wrong with me?" Women can then blame themselves for not "working" properly.
Add to this the awful language around "achieving" orgasm and you find yourself in that goal-oriented sexual behaviour that completely misses the point. An orgasm isn't an achievement. It's not something to tick off a list. It's purely about pleasure and fun.
The Lost Notion of Pleasure
For many women, the very idea of their own pleasure has been lost. Sex has become transactional, a way to land a partner, keep a partner happy, maintain a relationship. Their own pleasure isn't relevant.
I've worked with women in lovely marriages where desire has completely evaporated. Digging into it, what emerges is that her pleasure has never been in the mix of their sexual relationship. It wasn't important at first, but as the relationship matured and she matured, she's recognised: "You're having a lovely time. I'm really not. In fact, this is boring. Surely there's more to be had here."
She hadn't been raised to think of herself as someone worthy of pleasure, needing pleasure or wanting pleasure. It wasn't part of the inherited story from her mother and grandmother.
This sounds very 1950s housewife, doesn't it? But I'm not only talking about women who are financially dependent. I'm talking about women with strong careers, financial independence, who know what they want from life, yet don't understand how their own sexuality works.
Coming Home to Your Body
What I encounter constantly is people so disconnected from their bodies, so estranged from themselves, they haven't got the first clue what feels good. There's a coming home required, to yourself.
If you're thinking "I don't know what I like," this is where trial and error comes in. You wont discover what you like with your head, you need to discover this with your body. Your body is the vehicle that will take you to this possibility of release. Getting to know your body and it’s likes and dislikes is the gateway.
One you get past the “I’m broken” story you can open to the glory of it: orgasms are entirely free. They are your birthright. You don't need to be financially solvent, highly educated, or even have a partner. With nothing but yourself, you can have fantastic orgasms and your day will be so much better. Not only this but research shows that two orgasms a week add five years to your life!
Your Orgasm Is Not Their Badge of Honour
This is so important I'm going to say it clearly: if your partner sees your orgasm as some sort of badge of honour, as a medal of worth, that is absolutely not okay.
Your orgasm is your own business. If you're going to have one that day and your body and mind are in the right mood, good for you. But that's about you. Your orgasm is not for anybody else to take any kind of worth from or feel responsibility for.
You can let your partner know you're having a lovely time in all kinds of ways. It doesn't have to be through having an orgasm. If this dynamic is happening in your relationship, please put an end to it now.
The seductive line, "you haven't been to bed with me", in response to "I've never had an orgasm" is a recipe for disaster. Nobody can deliver your orgasm for you. That's not how it works.
Stop Faking It
Faking an orgasm is selling yourself out. It might feel like the easy way to end a less-than-amazing sexual experience, or to make your partner feel good about themselves, but you're not loving you if you choose that path.
If you're using nonverbal communication – faking it - to get yourself out of disappointing, uncomfortable, or even just mediocre encounters, stop. You're worth more than that. Your relationship and YOU deserves better.
Start talking. Allow it to be on the table in your partnership that how you do sex might be boring, unfulfilling, or uncomfortable. It's as simple as: "Do you like that?" Yes. No. Indifferent. "What about this?" Better or worse?
Sometimes it's trial and error. Sometimes your partner is trying really hard to please you and it's just not hitting the spot that day. Maybe you don't know what you like yet, so you can't articulate it. That's okay, you're learning together.
The Glorious, Challenging Reality of Female Bodies
Here's both the glory and the challenge: our bodies are different on different days. If you're premenopausal, where you are in your menstrual cycle affects your sensitivity and ability to enjoy pleasure.
There is no recipe for orgasm. You can't put in a bit of this and a soupçon of that, shake it all together, and produce an orgasm. Your response to sexual stimulus changes—different days, different times of your life. This means you have a living, vibrant, dynamic sex life if you allow that to be so.
You're allowed to say "it's not happening today, I'm not feeling it" even when your partner is doing all the tricks that usually work.
What Does an Orgasm Feel Like?
Orgasms vary enormously. Anything from a slight hiccup to a sneeze to a tingly sensation to a wave of pleasure. They can be small or big, really intense or something and nothing. Sometimes there's a pulse, sometimes your heart races, sometimes not.
They can also precipitate an upsurge of emotion. You might feel like roaring like a lion. You might burst into tears with uncontrollable sobbing. You might start hysterically laughing. It can be disconcerting, but these are all normal parts of enjoying orgasms. Just be easy with it: "Whoa, that took me by surprise. I didn't expect to burst out laughing. No, I'm not laughing at you, that's just where it took me."
Getting to Know Yourself
If orgasms are completely elusive, the best place to start is on your own. We recommend self-focused mindful touching exercises, basically exploration of your own body.
First thing: kick penetrative sex out the door. Forget about it and concentrate on pleasure. At the end of the day, sex is just another form of touch.
Start by learning the difference between looking at your body as an object versus being with your body as a subject. This isn't primping for someone else's gaze or judgement. This is engaging with your body for you, you are the subject of the touch, of the curiosity.
You might want to get a small hand mirror and say hello to your vulva. Not to check your bikini line, but to engage with this as your vulva, part of you. "Hello, vulva. How are you?"
If there's any whiff of self-criticism or "yuck," put the mirror away. You're not ready yet. You need to be able to be with your body as the beautiful, perfect body it is—whatever shape, whatever extras, whatever aspects society judges as wrong need to be left outside the door.
Your Vulva Is Normal
Until you look, until you understand that whatever you look like is normal: inner labia different lengths, same length, hanging within the outer labia or below it - all normal, you can't fully inhabit your body.
We all have different faces and bodies, and your vulva is no different. Look up the "Wall of Vagina" art installation (wrongly named—it should be Wall of Vulva!). It shows plaster casts of hundreds of vulvas from women aged 18 to 76. They're all different because we're all different. And they’re all normal.
Trace a finger around your vulva as you look in the mirror. You're marrying up the visuals with the sensations. Then if you allow someone else to touch you there, you'll know exactly where they are because you've already been there.
Understanding Your Anatomy
Here's something that wasn't fully understood until fairly recently. Professor Helen O'Connell published her research in 2005: the clitoris is not just that small, pea-sized structure at the top of your vulva. It's actually 3-4 inches long, extending inside from the tip you can see with two bulbs that lie around the vaginal walls in the pelvic area.
This is why about three-quarters of women don't have orgasms through penetration alone, they need some clitoral stimulation, externally and/or internally. It comes down to engineering and logistics. Some couples' bodies fit together in ways that provide natural clitoral stimulation during intercourse, but for most experimentation is required to get the engineering just right.
But remember: orgasm isn't the ultimate goal. The goal is "am I experiencing pleasure moment to moment to moment?" If you're not, if you heard the baby crying or the dog barking and got distracted—that's fine. It doesn't mean abandon the project. It means pause, then come back and play some more.
Just be as present as you can right here, right now. Am I enjoying this?
A Practice for You
This week, if you're willing:
Spend time with your body as a subject, not an object. Have a lovely bath and afterwards use body lotion - not because you're primping for someone else, but because you're discovering what feels good to you. During this time allow yourself to touch your arms, legs, belly, face, feet, shoulders etc etc with curiosity rather than judgement. See what kind of pressure you like – try and feel the experience from inside your body. Allow plenty of time, take pauses, breathe.
Get to know your vulva. If you're ready, use a mirror. Trace around it with a finger. No agenda, just exploration and "hello."
Notice what you think about pleasure. Do you believe you're worth it? Where did you learn that you were or weren't? Just notice, don't try to change anything yet.
Moving Forward
Your sexuality belongs to you. Your pleasure belongs to you. Your orgasm, if and when it happens, belongs entirely to you.
If you want to explore this further, I highly recommend Dr Emily Nagoski's book Come As You Are. It's full of really helpful information about female sexuality, anatomy, and orgasm.
The bottom line: Do I like this? What am I in the mood for today? Put down all those images & beliefs you've been bombarded with since childhood about what "good sex" looks like. Most of it, honestly, is nonsense.
Your body is living, dynamic, vibrant, constantly changing and evolving. Give yourself permission to discover what that means for you.
With warmth,
Clare
Want to hear Janet and I discuss this in more detail? Listen to the full episode at thesexandrelationshipspodcast.com.