Lust or Bust
Hello.
In this blog I’m talking about something that catches almost every couple by surprise at some point: the moment when you look at your partner and wonder where all that electric, can't-keep-your-hands-off-each-other energy went. You know the feeling. It’s easy to remember those early days when desire was easy, when you prioritised each other without thinking, when everything felt new and urgent. And then, somewhere along the line—maybe six months in, maybe seven years—it shifts. The lust fades and suddenly you're left wondering: are we done?
Here's the thing: you're very likely not done but you might need to do things differently.
Why Lust Fades (And Why That's Normal)
The honeymoon period—the phase where attraction feels effortless—isn't designed to last forever. No one can maintain that intensity for the long haul – there are other things to be done with this precious life we’ve been given. And, that's okay! What often happens is that life gets more complicated. You find yourselves juggling jobs, maybe caring for ageing parents, possibly raising children or navigating the grief of not being able to have them, trying to keep up with friends, your hobbies. The relationship that once felt like your whole world becomes just one part of a very full life.
And here's where things get tricky: if you’re not careful, you start to take each other for granted. This doesn’t have to be in a terrible way - being able to rely on your partner during tough times is one of the joys of a solid relationship. The problem comes when you keep taking them for granted even after the crisis has passed. You get out of practice with the little things that keep you close. The goodbye kiss before work. The check-in at the end of the day. The moments when you really see each other.
The Resentment Trap
When lust evaporates, it's tempting to panic or retreat. This can then be compounded by something more insidious - resentment. Resentment doesn't announce itself with a bang, it creeps in through tiny moments: your partner forgot to say goodbye this morning, they didn't notice you've been holding the fort all week, you're exhausted and they haven't said thank you. Rather than speak up - because that feels vulnerable - you manage it with just a sliver of resentment. Then another. And another. Before you know it, there's a gulf between you that started with something completely fixable.
What is the antidote? Be vigilant and notice what's happening. Ask yourself: what stories am I telling about this? Am I retreating into silence? Am I avoiding touch because I'm worried it'll lead somewhere I don't want to go? These coping stories are what can make a manageable difficulty feel impossible to fix.
Redefining Sex (Because It's Not Just Intercourse)
When we think about reviving intimacy, we often default to thinking about intercourse. But there's a more helpful way to think about sex: it's whatever you wouldn't do with your auntie or your neighbour! That means all of it counts: the casual touch in the kitchen, the hug that lasts ten seconds instead of two, the flirty banter, the cheeky tap on the backside, the foot massage on the sofa.
If you're only having penetrative sex once a year but you're maintaining all those other connections—the cuddles, the playfulness, the physical affection—you can still have a rich, fulfilling sexual relationship. The key is taking the pressure off. Stop thinking about sex as a Tuesday night obligation at 11pm and start thinking about it as play, as attention, as a way of saying: you're still my person.
Practical Steps When Lust Has Left the Building
1. Have the conversation. Don't wait until resentment has built a wall between you. If you've noticed desire has dwindled, say so. Frame it as our problem, not yours or theirs. "I've noticed I'm not feeling it lately. Can we talk about what's changed?"
2. Prioritise connection time. When life gets busy, this might mean just twenty minutes with phones off to check in. A walk around the block. Sitting down to eat together instead of grazing separately. It doesn't have to be grand—it just has to be intentional.
3. Create safety for saying no. One of the biggest barriers to physical intimacy is worry that any touch will be interpreted as an invitation to full sex. Talk about this. Agree that you can play in the shower or have a massage without it leading anywhere unless someone specifically says their feelings have changed. And crucially: don't weaponise disappointment. If your partner stops because they're not feeling it, manage your own feelings without punishing them for being honest.
4. Let your sex life evolve. What turned you on at twenty-five might not work at forty-five and that's not failure - that's life. Your tastes in food change. Your exercise needs change. Why would your sexuality stay frozen in time? Give yourselves permission to try new things, to admit what's not working anymore, to discover what feels good now.
When Lust Might Come Back
It might be supportive to know that desire and our relationship with it often changes as we move through life, irrespective of our partners. A key moment can be women going through menopause and also men can experience hormonal changes: at these times our desire can shift from being spontaneous to responsive. (I talk more about this in the blog The Arousal Paradox.) You might not feel that fire burning unprompted but that doesn't mean it can't be kindled. With the right ingredients - time, attention, feeling noticed and appreciated - lust can absolutely resurface. It just needs a different entry point than it used to.
Think about what created desire at the beginning. Yes, novelty played a part but so did thoughtfulness. You devoted time to each other, made an effort, listened, planned interesting things to do. You prioritised each other. Those ingredients still work - you've just forgotten to use them.
A Note on Sexless Relationships
If you and your partner are both genuinely content in a relationship without sex, that's absolutely fine. It's not a requirement of intimacy. I sometimes see clients persecuting themselves for not having sex and the relief is palpable when they realise it’s okay. There’s no rule book where it’s mandated to have an active sex life. Problems arise, however, when one person wants to stop and the other doesn't - what we call mismatched desire. If that's happening, the work is to tell the truth. Don't agree to something that isn't okay with you just to keep the peace. Mismatched desire is common and it's fixable, but only if you're both honest about what you actually want.
Don't Jump to Bust Too Quickly
We still live in such a disposable culture; when something's not working, we bin it and get a new one. But relationships aren't toasters. When lust fades, try and open to the possibility that it’s not data that you're done. It might just mean you've got some work to do: some repairs, some new ways of talking, some unnoticed ruptures that need attention.
A dry patch—even a desert patch—isn't necessarily a preview of your future. It's just information about today. If your beginning was rich and glorious, there's every chance your future can be too. You're just in a tricky phase right now and with patience and willingness it can absolutely be navigated.
Until next time, be kind to yourself. And to each other.
Clare
If you'd like to hear more about this topic, have a listen to Episode 7 of our podcast. Janet and I go deeper into attachment styles and how they influence your response when desire dips, plus we talk about outsourcing sexual needs and the role of porn—both topics we'll be exploring more in future episodes.