The Parental Minefield
Hello!
If you've found your way here, chances are the word "parents" stirs something in you. It might be a flicker of warmth or a tightening in your chest. It could be both at once. If that’s you, be reassured that that's completely normal. In fact, it's one of the most human things there is.
In our latest episode of the Sex and Relationships podcast, Aileen Gonsalves and I sat down to talk about something we've called the parental minefield. And what a topic it turned out to be: rich, tender, occasionally funny, and at times quite activating even for us.
Why "Minefield"?
You might consider us choosing this word as somewhat dramatic but we stand by it. How often have you said something completely ordinary to a parent, or had them say something ordinary to you, and suddenly the whole room feels like it's on fire? You weren't trying to start anything and neither were they, and yet, there you are.
That's the minefield. It's not just about conflict, it's about how much is hidden underneath the surface of these relationships. All those unspoken histories, family secrets and old wounds that nobody quite named. Patterns and traumas passed quietly from one generation to the next.
As Aileen said in our conversation, "it's the first relationship," and those first relationships shape everything: the way we attach to others, the way we communicate and the way we feel about ourselves.
What many of us don’t realise is that shaping doesn't stop when we leave home or when our parents age or even when they die. The minefield travels with us, quietly, throughout our lives.
The Patterns We Inherit
When my son was small and I was running late and exasperated, I'd open my mouth to speak, and my mother would come out. Her words, her tone, her energy. I wouldn’t be surprised if I was to discover it was also her mother (my grandmother). In the moments when this would happen Clare had left the building entirely.
Most parents will recognise this. We enter parenthood with all sorts of intentions, and then life happens, and suddenly we're operating from somewhere much deeper than intention. We're operating from pattern, a blueprint laid down by our forebears.
These patterns aren't our fault, they were laid down long before we had any say in the matter. But they can be looked at and that's the hopeful part. Awareness is the beginning of change.
Aileen shared something similar around catching her own mother's voice coming through her when she was speaking to her nephew. It wasn’t the encouraging voice, she noted but the critical one. That moment of recognition, uncomfortable as it was, is actually a gift. It's the beginning of doing something different.
It's Not Just the Past
One of the things I want to draw your attention to is this: the parental minefield isn't only about childhood, it evolves.
In our 20s and 30s we might be asserting independence and forging our own path. In midlife, many of us find ourselves caught between caring for our own children and watching our parents grow older and more dependent. This is sometimes referred to as the sandwich generation, and it falls disproportionately on women. If that's you right now, try to be gentle with yourself, what you're carrying is significant.
As our parents age further, the roles quietly begin to reverse. We're the ones telling them to hurry up, helping them with their shoes, making the appointments. And we might notice ourselves becoming, just as they once were with us, a little impatient, a little controlling, and often completely unaware of what's happening.
What Can Help
There's no single approach to navigating the parental minefield. But here are some of the things that Aileen and I have found genuinely useful, both personally and in working with clients.
Awareness is key - catching yourself in a role rather than a relationship. Try asking rather than doing and adapting rather than assuming.
Transactional Analysis (TA) is a therapeutic model worth knowing about. At its heart, it reminds us that in any interaction, we can be operating from three different inner positions: the Parent, the Adult, or the Child. When we're with our families, we often slip into old roles without realising it. TA helps us notice when that's happening and allows us to choose differently. You don't need to read a textbook, just asking yourself quietly, which part of me is running this conversation right now? can be transformative. Am I being parental, taking on too much responsibility? Am I being childlike, looking for one of the ‘grown-ups’ to fix things? Am I engaging from the adult I am, contributing & partnering helpfully? Incase it’s not obvious…… it’s the adult we’re looking to cultivate!
Shared activities can be a beautiful bridge. In this episode of the podcast Aileen talks about how she discovered this during lockdown when she began doing daily exercises with her parents over video call. It wasn't about deep conversation, it was about showing up together, daily, for something light and enjoyable. You don’t need to aspire to something this frequent - once a week, once a month, even once a quarter works equally well; it’s the regularity that matters more than the frequency. It could be a family quiz, a walk, a film night – the only criteria is that it’s something you can all enjoy doing at the same time.
One-to-one time is also worth considering. Our dynamics shift when it's just us and one parent, rather than the whole family configuration. Sometimes the conversation that's impossible at a family gathering becomes entirely possible over a cup of tea, just the two of you.
Saying the things. This is a big one. Aileen made a quiet pact with her mum to say "I love you" at the end of every call, something her family had simply never done before. It felt awkward at first but then it became ordinary. And then her mum died suddenly, completely unexpectedly, and the last words exchanged between them were those exact words. Aileen talks about how much comfort that gave her. There's no guarantee we'll have time to say what matters so, if you can, say it now.
A Word on Forgiveness
I want to tread carefully here, because forgiveness is often misunderstood.
True forgiveness isn't condoning what happened or pretending things didn't happen or that they didn't hurt. Nor is it about papering over pain. Done too quickly, from a place of good intention but essentially falsehood, it can actually prevent healing.
Forgiveness, at its deepest level, is letting go. Letting go of holding onto ill will - either towards yourself or toward the person or people that hurt you. Letting go of the dream that things could / should have been different. Letting go of the expectation that your parents will one day become who you needed them to be. Opening to the possibility that they did their best, imperfect as it might have been, shaped by their own minefields, their own inherited patterns and unspoken histories.
Grief is often required before we can access true forgiveness. Grieving the parents we didn't have, or the childhood we wished we’d had. That grief is real, valid and worthy of the time and space it takes. Done truthfully it will allow something gentler to arrive: not a performance of forgiveness, but real forgiveness.
A Reflection Exercise
If you'd like to sit with this topic a little more, here's a gentle journaling prompt to try:
Think of one pattern, or phrase, or tone, or reaction that you carry from your upbringing. Where do you think it came from? When does it tend to show up? And is there a version of it you'd like to consciously let go of or perhaps, change?
There are no right answers, you are just practicing the art of noticing and through that increasing your self-awareness.
You Are Not Alone in This
Every single human being on this planet is navigating some version of this minefield. Some people are just further along the path than others but it never goes away entirely. The beauty in doing this work is that at the very least it gets a little less explosive, but the possibility of growing authentic connection with the people in your life now, grows exponentially.
If you'd like to explore this further, do have a listen to the full episode over at thesexandrelationshipspodcast.com. Aileen and I go into much more depth, including some rather moving moments that I think a lot of you will recognise.
And if you're in a particularly difficult place with any of this - estranged, grieving, or just stuck - please know that support is available. A good therapist can make an enormous difference. You don't have to untangle this alone.
Take good care of yourself. This is meaningful work.
With warmth, Clare