Friendship Matters
Hello, and welcome back.
If you've been following along with us on the Sex and Relationships podcast, you'll know that we spend a lot of time exploring the relationship you have with yourself, with partners, with family. But today, we're turning our attention to something that often slips quietly to the back of the queue: your friendships.
In this episode, Aileen and I take a warm, honest, and at times funny look at the friendships we collect through life, from school gates to workplace corridors, from brunch groups to the friend you can call at midnight when everything falls apart. If you've ever felt guilty for neglecting a friendship, baffled by a falling-out, or quietly wondered why some friends energise you and others leave you feeling oddly hollow, this one's for you.
Where do friendships come from — and where do they go?
We tend to think of friendships as something that just happens. You meet someone, you click, and before you know it, they're woven into the fabric of your life. But if you look back honestly, you'll notice that most of your friendships arrived through circumstance: school, university, work, the school gates, a shared hobby. As Aileen and I discuss, there are certain seasons of life when we're practically tripping over potential friends, and others, the "sandwich generation" especially (when we’re squeezed between children and ageing parents) when keeping up with even our closest friends feels like a logistical miracle.
It's worth being gentle with yourself about this. Life stages change everything. If you're currently time-poor and struggling to maintain friendships the way you used to, that's not a personal failing, it's a season. The friendships that matter tend to find a way to weather it.
Not all friends are the same and that's a good thing
One of the most liberating ideas I recognise in this episode is this: different friends meet different parts of us. The friend you call to talk about a film you’ve just seen or a book you’ve just read is likely not the same friend you'd ring in a crisis. The one who brings out your silly side is not the one you'd turn to for honest challenge. Recognising this doesn’t make any of these friendships lesser; there is no need for a hierarchy when you’re acknowledging the different roles different friends play in your life.
Where it gets complicated, as Aileen admits with great self-awareness, is when we unconsciously rank our friends, creating a kind of inner hierarchy and then feeling quietly let down when someone doesn't meet all of our needs. But a friendship isn't a job interview. When we stop expecting one person to fulfil everything, we free both them and ourselves.
A small reflection to try:
Think about three friends in your life right now. For each one, ask yourself: what part of me does this person bring out? What do I give them in return? You might be surprised by what you notice.
The tricky bits: when friendships go gnarly
Friendships, like all relationships, can hit rocky ground. There’s the friend who partners up and disappears into “coupledom”, or the one whose life choices you really struggle to support, or the slow drift that happens when life takes two people in different directions.
One theme that comes up clearly is the danger of unsolicited advice. Aileen shares a fascinating phrase she once heard: that the word "advice" contains the word "vice." It's a bit of wordplay, but there's truth in it. When we position ourselves as the wise advice-giver in a friendship, we can inadvertently take away the other person's agency, and we can tip the whole dynamic into something uneven. The more powerful move is being alongside someone, just sitting with them and maybe asking what kind of support they actually want.
That said, there's a real difference between advice and honest challenge. A friendship that's strong enough to hold a bit of challenge, where someone you trust can gently reflect back something you might not want to hear, is a precious thing. It's not about telling your friend what to do, it's about helping them see themselves more clearly, with love.
The balancing act of give and take
Have you ever left a conversation with a friend feeling like you gave everything and got nothing back? Maybe they didn't ask a single question about you? You're not alone in that. In this episode we discuss how easy it is to fall into patterns in friendships, where one person consistently talks and the other consistently listens, until those patterns become invisible.
The good news is that these things can shift, if you're willing to name them. Aileen describes a friendship where she and a close friend consciously worked on this, learning to say clearly what kind of support they needed before launching in. "I need you to just listen." "I need you to tell me if I'm being fair here." It deepened their friendship considerably. Sometimes the most caring thing we can do is tell a friend what we want, rather than hoping they'll guess.
On letting friendships end — and finding them again
During this episode I talk about a friend who consciously ends friendships she feels have run their course, creating a formal farewell conversation. I share how shocking I find that as my instinct is to leave the door open. Life changes. People change. A friendship that felt stuck or even painful at one point might look completely different ten years on. I reflect on how there is no “right” way to do this, we each need to find our own way.
Aileen speaks movingly about reconnecting with a friend she'd broken up with nearly a decade earlier, brought back together by a mutual friend's health scare. They came back to each other as different people, older, softer, more self-aware, and found something genuinely wonderful in the reunion. There's something hopeful in that.
Shame, grief, and the friends who hold you
Perhaps the most tender part of this episode is when Aileen talks about the friends who were there during her most vulnerable moments: her mother's sudden, unexpected death, heartbreak, the kind of grief that arrives from nowhere. The friend whose children now know that "when Aileen arrives with a broken heart, you make roast chicken." The friend whose house she arrived at unannounced, because she simply needed to collapse somewhere safe.
These are the friendships worth cultivating. The ones where you can show up without armour. Where you don't have to perform being okay. I encourage us all to reflect on our friendship circle and ask ourselves honestly who do I feel safe being ashamed or sad with? And who leaves me feeling worse?
How to cultivate your friendships with intention
I use the word "cultivate" deliberately, and it's worth borrowing. Friendships, like plants, need tending. They don't require grand gestures or long holidays together, they need regular, attentive presence. A text that says "I've been thinking of you." A walk. A phone call where you remember to ask: "And how are you doing?"
If your friendships have drifted recently, here's a gentle nudge: pick one person who matters to you and reach out this week. Not with pressure, not with apology. Just a simple: "I've been thinking about you. How are you?"
One last thought
Aileen says something near the end of this episode that really stays with you. She talks about love, not the romantic kind, but the quiet, sustaining love that lives inside long friendships. The kind that says: I know you, I see you, and I'm still here.
We don't talk about love in the context of friendship nearly enough. But it's there. And it matters enormously.
If this blog has resonated with you, you can listen to the full conversation over at thesexandrelationshipspodcast.com