What's Sex About Anyway?

If you're reading this, chances are you've been wondering about your sex life - perhaps questioning whether you're doing it 'right', or feeling like something isn't quite working the way you think it 'should'. That's why Janet and I started this series with what may seem like the simplest question of all: what is sex anyway?

When I ask clients this question, the most common response is: "Oh, I've never really thought about that before." Isn't that fascinating? We're all expected to just know what sex is, to do it 'properly', to have it be 'normal' - and yet we rarely stop to ask ourselves what it actually means to us personally.

The Problem: One Size Doesn't Fit All

What tends to trip so many of us up is thinking there's a right way to do sex. A proper way. We've absorbed messages from everywhere: playground chatter when we were little, films, religion, family, pornography and along the way we've constructed this idea of what 'good sex' looks like. Then, when our experience doesn't match that picture in our heads, we panic. We think something is wrong with us, or our partner, or our relationship.

The anxiety this creates forms a substantial part of the work I do with clients. That worry of "I'm not doing it right" can become overwhelming, creating a vicious cycle where the more anxious you feel, the less enjoyable sex becomes.

There's another common trap too: the belief that sex equals intercourse. This is sometimes referred to as penis in vagina or PIV. But what about everyone who isn't in a heterosexual relationship? What about all the other delicious ways we can experience pleasure and intimacy? Intercourse can certainly be part of sex, but it isn't the whole story - not by a long way. And sex that doesn't include intercourse is still sex.

Why This Happens

We've been fed myths about sex being natural, normal, spontaneous, and easy. These words all sound lovely but they actually set us up for disappointment and are a long way from reality. Good sex, truly satisfying, connected, fun sex, requires something that doesn't sound immediately sexy: communication.

I know negotiation and communication aren't the words that spring to mind when you think of passion and desire. But believe it or not, they're the cornerstone of having a vibrant, dynamic sex life that actually works for you.

Think about it: what is sex if it isn't communication? When you're intimate with someone, you're communicating attraction, desire, affection, playfulness, trust. The act itself is communication. But we also need good old-fashioned talking before, maybe during, and especially afterwards to let each other know what's working and what isn't.

Opening Up the Landscape

So, what might sex look like if we let go of the mythology and move towards reality? Bernie Zilbergeld, in his book The New Male Sexuality, talks about the difference between "cup of coffee and a cookie sex" and "seven course banquet sex". Both are absolutely fine. Both qualify as good sex. Everything in between is absolutely fine too.

The important bit is checking in - both with yourself and each other: what am I in the mood for? What are you in the mood for? What shall we do today? Assumptions set you up for disappointment, which can feel catastrophic in an area of so much potential vulnerability.

Your sexual repertoire might include a kiss and cuddle on the sofa, a foot massage, a bath together, energetic and passionate intercourse, oral sex, using hands and fingers, toys, flirting in the kitchen, or even just some cheeky sexual banter. All of it counts. All of it is proper sex if it feels right to you.

And it's okay for sex to go wrong sometimes. It can be disastrous even, as long as you are able to talk about it. Being able to have a laugh with your partner, to say "well, we won't be doing that again" without taking it personally, that's what makes sex safe and enjoyable in the long run.

Practical Steps Forward

Reflect on your own answer

What is sex for you? Not what it should be, but what it actually means in your life right now. Is it physical pleasure? Stress relief? Connection? Bonding? Fun? There is no wrong answer - just your answer.

Notice your shoulds

When you think about your sex life, what expectations and demands pop up? Write them down. Where do you think they came from? Which ones actually serve you, and which ones are just adding pressure?

Would they benefit from being reframed, maybe as preferences or hopes? Or do you actually want to bin them? This is your sex life and in truth there are no shoulds.

Start small with communication

After your next intimate encounter (whether it's intercourse or a cuddle), share one thing you enjoyed. Just one. "I really liked it when you..." It doesn't have to be a big debrief - just practice putting pleasure into words.

Remember: your sex life is yours. Your sex life is not something you can look up in a dictionary, copy from Pornhub, or learn from mates down the pub. The work is checking in with yourself (and your partner, if you have one) to discover what you actually like and what you really want.

Looking Ahead

What you want from sex at 20 will be different from what you want at 50, 60, 70, or beyond. We can have good sex across our lifespan, but it won't always be the same activity. We grow, we change, we shed some practices and develop new ones - just like we do with everything else in life.

The good news is that once you start asking yourself "what is sex for me?", you immediately open up space for difference to be okay. Your version of sex doesn't have to look like anyone else's. And that's not just okay - it's exactly how it should be.

If any of this has resonated with you, you may wish to listen to the full episode of our podcast where Janet and I explore this further. You can find it at thesexandrelationshipspodcast.com, along with other episodes on sex and relationships.

Take care of yourself. Understanding your own desires and needs isn't always easy, but it is worth it.

Clare