The Arousal Paradox

If you're reading this, there's a good chance you've experienced that awkward moment when you and your partner aren't quite in sync. One of you is ready to go, the other isn't feeling it, and suddenly what should be pleasurable becomes loaded with anxiety, guilt, or frustration.

In this blog I am writing about that phenomenon using an expression Janet coined - the arousal paradox. This is not a technical term you will find in textbooks or on the internet, but it captures exactly what so many couples struggle with.

The Hollywood Lie

You know the scene - two people meet, eyes lock, wordlessly they fall on each other kissing passionately, instantly aroused they reach climax together in perfect harmony. Roll credits.

We all know it is nonsense. And yet, that is the template so many of us measure ourselves against. When our experience does not match that fantasy, we think something has gone wrong. One person feels broken, the other feels rejected, and suddenly you are both caught in a painful cycle.

Here is the truth: arousal and desire difficulties make up around 50% of what we see in our consulting rooms. You are not alone in this.

Plot vs Story

Let me borrow Janet's film analogy. The plot is what happened: you got up, got dressed, came into the room, sat down. Those are just the facts.

The story is how you felt. Maybe you woke up feeling sassy and put on your favourite outfit and special heels because they make you feel amazing. You knew you were up for anything. Or maybe you woke up feeling flat and heavy and thought, "Oh God, I've got to do this," threw on your onesie and dragged yourself into the day loaded with dread. Same plot, completely different story.

With arousal, we often focus only on the plot: "We tried to have sex and I could not get turned on" or "I got an erection but then lost it", without looking at the story behind it. And the story is where the real understanding lives.

Your Arousal Number

Think about arousal on a scale of 1 to 10. Ten is climax, one is stone cold. During a sexual experience, you move up and down this scale.

You might shoot from 1 to 7 instantly. Or you might go from 1 to 3 to 5 to 6, back down to 4 because you heard the neighbours or one of the kids shout out in their sleep, then creep back up again.

Now imagine two people in the room, each with their own scale, moving up and down at different rates. That is not a problem. That is just how it is.

The trouble starts when you measure your arousal against your partner's. If they are at an 8 and you are at zero, you might think, "That is where I should be." Suddenly you are not just at zero, you have dropped to minus 10. Getting back to a starting point feels impossible.

The "Normal" Trap

What often happens is this: the person with higher desire becomes positioned as the normal one, and the person with lower desire becomes the one with the problem.

Both partners often accept this dynamic without question. But it is simply not true.

There are many reasons someone might have lower desire. The conditions for sex may not feel right. They may be unhappy in the relationship. They may work differently in terms of sexual response. They may have a naturally lower libido. None of this makes them abnormal.

Spontaneous vs Responsive Arousal

This section is particularly important. Some people have a spontaneous sexual arousal system, while others have a responsive or reactive system. It is fairly evenly split across the population.

If you are spontaneous, desire tends to pop up. You think about sex, you want it, you initiate.

If you are responsive, desire often comes after arousal. You may not feel in the mood until the conditions feel right, the relationship feels good, and you are doing things you enjoy.

Neither system is wrong. Neither is broken. They are simply different.

This can also change over time. Early in a relationship, arousal may feel spontaneous for both partners. Later, as attachment deepens, sex often becomes less urgent but potentially more meaningful.

Many couples want their sex life to return to how it was at the beginning. I cannot recreate those early months, but you can absolutely have a fulfilling sexual relationship. It will just look different.

What Might Be Getting in the Way

Before looking at psychological and relational factors, it is important to rule out biological ones. If desire has changed noticeably, it is worth speaking to your GP.

Common biological factors that affect arousal include:

• Depression and anxiety, including the effects of SSRIs
• Diabetes and thyroid problems
• Stress and chronic threat responses
• Menopause and hormonal changes
• Obesity and changes in testosterone levels

Accelerators and Brakes

Dr Emily Nagoski describes arousal in terms of accelerators and brakes. What turns you on and what turns you off are equally important.

Advice about "spicing up your sex life" often focuses only on accelerators. But environmental and relational brakes matter just as much.

Consider environmental factors such as privacy, temperature, noise, timing, lighting, music, and how safe or relaxed you feel.

Relational factors also matter. For some people, unresolved conflict is a major brake. Others find physical closeness helps them reconnect. Neither approach is right or wrong.

Your Body, Your Story

How you feel about your body has a powerful impact on arousal. Negative self-talk creates barriers to desire.

This work is not about forced positivity. It is about recognising your body as worthy of care, attention, and respect.

It can help to ask whether it is possible to allow your partner to desire you, even if you struggle to feel that way about yourself.

The Dance of Giving and Receiving

Reflect on how initiation works in your relationship. Who initiates? Who declines? Is there room for "maybe"?

Giving and receiving do not have to be fixed roles. They can ebb and flow. What matters is communication and flexibility.

What You Can Do

You may find it helpful to explore the questionnaires in Emily Nagoski's Come As You Are, completing them separately and discussing the results together.

Notice your own arousal patterns over time. Ask yourself what number you are at, what your story is today, and what is helping or hindering desire.

Have conversations outside of sexual moments. Share what you are learning about yourself. Be curious rather than defensive.

Remember the paradox. The partner who wants sex more is not the normal one. The partner who wants it less is not broken. You are both normal, just different.

This work takes time. Be patient with yourself and with each other. You are learning a new language - the language of your own desire and arousal.

With warmth,
Clare

If you would like to hear Janet and I explore this further, you can listen to the full episode at thesexandrelationshipspodcast.com.